I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
