I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
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I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
my liver is dry heaving
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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