win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Randomize
