and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
pray to the hookup gods
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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