The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Randomize
