I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
