I'm gonna have a badass scar
I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
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DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
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I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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