So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
