Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
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