I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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