Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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