You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
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Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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