Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Randomize
