i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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