Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
