This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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