the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
