I think I am morally bankrupt
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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