I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
So squirting runs in the family.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Randomize
