Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I take back everything I said about communal showers
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I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
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Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
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