my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
