is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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