This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
