My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
