i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
