party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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