Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
