Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
