I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
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Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
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It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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