I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Randomize
