I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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