thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
