WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
