I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
