omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
