She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Still dying that you shit outside
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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