i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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