Whats the glycemic index on semen?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
