oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
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