I don't usually arrange sex via text message
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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