john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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