dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you didnt know i had herpes?
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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