hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
