im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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