I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
