Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
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