Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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