I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Randomize
