so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
