Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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