she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
