Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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