Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
