Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
